All about emotional triggers | Part 05: Triggers, relationships, and co-regulation

This is the last post in the series, All about triggers. Part one, two, three, and four are not required reading, but it might be worth skimming through to get the most complete picture possible.

As we learn to self-regulate, it can be helpful to learn what it feels like to be soothed in the presence of others. This is a safe and effective practice that shows your body that soothing is possible, so that you can begin to access this feeling on your own.

This post is all about how triggers arise in relationships, and how we can heal in the presence of others.

Triggers can profoundly impact our relationships, but relationships also offer a key site for understanding and tending to our triggers.

Trauma and trauma recovery are relational

While some traumatic events are due to life-threatening events such as car accidents or natural disasters, many are due to relational injuries. This means abuse, neglect, or emotional harms that are perpetrated by others. When our trauma happened at the hands of our loved ones or other people, then the trauma is likely going to be triggered by others as well. Many folks become triggered in relation to their friends, loved ones, or family members, even if those people had nothing to do with the original trauma.

Conflict with those we love can be extremely triggering. It can be helpful to understand that the fight itself or the content of the argument is not the trigger, but it is the emotional experience that our minds and bodies are reminded of that is triggering. It is this reminder that can trigger a disproportionate or unexpected response to the conflict, which can be a confusing and challenging experience for everyone involved.

Do any of the below statements resonate with your experience?

Source: The Gottman Institute on Twitter

Co-regulation

Since trauma does not happen in isolation, neither can healing. As you are recovering from traumatic stress, you are building your capacity to self-regulate. Often, you will need help doing this through co-regulation, meaning working through your emotions in the presence of another compassionate and understanding human. Like self-regulation, co-regulation brings your nervous system back into the window of tolerance. We’re wired for connection, and it’s normal to seek out the soothing presence of someone you trust when your inner world becomes too painful.

This is a paradox, because many trauma survivors experienced a deep and devastating breach of trust by someone they know and/or love. Similarly, some folks may have experienced harsh consequences for appearing “needy”, so there can be challenges associated with relying on others for support and care. There are many more obstacles to seeking out co-regulation for trauma survivors. Co-regulation can look many different ways, and there are ways to begin co-regulating even if you feel apprehensive about being vulnerable with another human.

Co-regulation is a paradox. Trauma survivors need others to build self-soothing skills, but oftentimes, their traumatic history makes it difficult to trust other people. Fortunately, there are safe(r), smaller ways to begin co-regulating. It doesn’t have to happen all at once. You can pace yourself.

Co-regulation doesn’t have to mean bearing your soul to another or exposing your emotional vulnerabilities. You can engage in co-regulation without talking through or narrating your experience. Remember, this is about your body, and your body needs to know that you’re safe and OK. It doesn’t care if you rationally know this, it wants to feel it.

When co-regulating, see if you can pay attention to how your body feels (as long as this feels safe enough and tolerable). Notice any points of tension, relaxation, discomfort, or ease, and try subtly shifting your position, posture, or movements until you begin to feel the positive relaxing effects of the other person’s presence. If shifting or relaxing into this doesn’t feel good or helpful, that’s OK, you’re practicing something new and it’s fine to stop.

Co-regulating with a trusted partner, friend, or loved one

Invite someone you trust to do something together that feels good to your body. This could mean exercise, consensual physical intimacy, cooking, reading, or going for coffee in an environment that feels safe and calming. Whatever it is, connecting with a safe friend, partner, or loved one can bring your thinking brain back online and soothe your dysregulation.

Co-regulating with a pet

Animal lovers know that pets can sense when we’re feeling off. Their non-judgemental recognition of our pain can feel incredibly soothing. Connect with your pet by making eye contact with them, playing with them, snuggling them, or stroking their fur, feathers, or scales.

Co-regulating with your therapist

Trauma-informed therapists are trained to recognize the signs of dysregulation and work with you to become grounded and centred. They also know how to slowly guide you toward a greater capacity for self-regulation. I find that this gradual transfer has the effect of showing your body that you are worth tending to and caring for. If you’re not in session, see what it feels like to recall their presence when you become dysregulated.

Co-regulating with online figures

Do you have a favourite online personality that you enjoy listening to or watching? Do they have a message that is uplifting, soothing, funny, lighthearted, or compassionate? Do they have a warm presence or a soothing tone of voice? Seek them out and let yourself experience their calming presence.

When it feels scary to connect with another human, pets can be great co-regulation partners.

Final note

I hope you have enjoyed reading this series as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Please feel free to share with your loved ones or save for your reference.

If you are struggling with trauma related triggers, therapy is a great tool for building understanding, coping skills, and soothing inner resources around where it hurts. I want you to know there is hope for building new pathways in your brain, mind, and body—pathways that support your innate capacity to respond from a place of calm, clarified connection.