“I know I’m worthy, I just don’t believe it.”
People often say, "Know your worth."
As human beings, we inherently possess worth. This intrinsic value should not be contingent on external conditions, unrealistic expectations, or societal norms imposed upon us. We recognize the worth of our loved ones and our children with just a glance; it’s an instinctive knowing.
Yet, despite this understanding, many of us grapple with a persistent sense of unworthiness or inadequacy. For me, the challenge lies not in knowing our worth but in believing, feeling, and truly living it. Living it means aligning our abstract knowledge of worth with our deeper, inner experiences. This is often easier said than done. I liken this journey to excavation—rediscovering our sense of worth buried beneath layers of doubt and negativity.
Still don't know my worth
Still stressin’ perfection-SZA, Shirt
But why does our inherent sense of worth to become obscured in the first place? The story is unique for each of us. Sometimes, our survival instincts overshadow our ability to recognize and embrace our worth. Other times, we receive consistent messages that we are unworthy, especially when we are too young to challenge these beliefs. Learned behaviors such as self-criticism, self-blame, and self-hatred can also eclipse our sense of worthiness, becoming ingrained patterns of self-relating. Additionally, when we face the world's inequities, we may internalize the belief that we are not good enough.
So, how do we learn to feel worthy?
Worth isn’t a thought or piece of information to be memorized. It’s not something we acquire in the same way we learn facts or processes. Many clients I meet express frustration, saying they’ve already tried to convince themselves of their worth. I get this frustration, especially on the backdrop of a growing culture of self-love which says we should be able to love ourselves no matter what. We’re trying, am I right?!
Learning to feel worthy is a different kind of process than convincing or knowledge acquisition. I envision worth as sunshine hidden behind clouds—it exists even when obscured for long periods (Hong Kongers understand this well). The clouds represent the barriers to feeling worthy, such as shame, guilt, negative self-perception, and self-critical thoughts. The journey to recognizing our worth involves discovering what is needed to part those clouds. It’s a process of subtraction, not addition—an unlearning of the beliefs that have obscured our innate value for too long.
